Burger King VS Fried beef and crap on a bun girl

For eons the world has experienced its fair share of disasters and atrocities.
The Hindenburg.
The missed call in game 6 when Gretzky high sticked Gilmour.
The series finale to Seinfeld.

And once in a while, I like to shake things up with this shitty food blog.

After 5 years of you bastards hounding me, all 5 of you are now going to get what you want.  A 4 year old burger recipe that I haven't made since cause its a fuckload more work than just crushing 3 DBL Cheeseburgers DLABM in a parking lot.  Note; If you don't know DLABM, you don't know shit.

Now this one is gonna be tricky, due to the fact that I stared writing it 4 years ago and then gave up on it like I did with karate, guitar, swimming lessons, hygiene, grade 11 math, my job at panago x5, and a long list of other expensive equipment and hobbies my parents were so kind enough to pay for.

So without further delay, bon ape tit you hungry mammals!

As a born narcissist, theres 2 things I always know to be 100% true;
1. Im a 12/10, a fucking weapon
Second.  I can cook a better steamed ham better than anyone.  FACT.

However, every now and again some up and comer in the kitchen game decides they need a good old fashioned humbling at the hands of the bare chested beast, and part time chef.

About 7 months ago I received a challenge from some chick who calls herself "The Posh Nosh" online.  A google search revealed she enjoys constructing tasteless yet "pretty" food from whatever ingredients were in the 50% off bin at the local food mart. Being the incredible person that I am, I will never trash on someone for their efforts.  Just on everything else they do.  So sit back, grab yourself a rye and rye, and enjoy as I take you down this whimsical tale of the most delicious burger that was ever created by a drunk, grade 12 grad (finished in a quick 13 years)  wearing no shirt.

disclaimer: Due to the fact that this was so long ago, I am relying on pictures I took to tell you what ingredients and shit I put in. So if you try and make it, and it sucks.  Its your fault. Not mine.

Step one.  Crack the piggy bank and go get all this shit.

Ingredients;

Ground beef.  If you deviate from this and use turkey.  Or bison. Or a god damn portabella mushroom.  Beat it.  You already have fucked up.
Onion - Yellow
Jalapeno - Green
Bacon - Pig -Thick
More onion - Green
Hot dog buns - Wonder - White - Gluten filled (this is non negotiable)
Cayenne Peppaaaaaaah - Hot orange
Egg - From a Non grain fed chicken - Steroid fed -
Salts- Seasoning salt, pepper, salt, garlic salt, more regular salt, maybe a touch of bath salts if you really wanna kick this thing up
Cheese - Jalapeño Havarti
About a million fucking PBR and a jug of Jameson.
Theres other stuff  you will probably need but you can figure that out when you hit a wall of confusion and anger.


If your a return visitor to this trashy food novel, you know whats coming next.
Whiskey shot - beer chase.
Here we go.





The patty-

Hand washing wastes water

Start frying the thick bacon.  And make it crisp while you do this next stuff.  Carve off a pound of beef from the 6kg boulder in my last post and toss that slop in a big bowl. Follow it up with some diced jalapeño, its good to get it in there early so it can really seep into that cow and blow some gaskets later on. Green onions. Crack One Alex Rodriguez egg and sprinkle random spices, salts and whatever else i mentioned on top.

Beer break.

Next take a hot dog bun and put it in the baby bullet. This little beauty will turn it to crumbs that you are gonna dump that goodness into the bowl of other goodness. I don't really know what this step does, but I saw it on the TV once.

Back to the Pig! As you wait for just the right moment to remove the strips from the heat, I find this is a great moment to become one with the animal. Get yourself up close to the former Piglet,  Real close,  feel the hot grease pops as they splash your bare torso....  Its now time.
Remove each piece with your fingers and feel the burn.  Share the animals journey to your gut. Every step.
Crush a piece, let the dogs crush a couple.  Crush the rest.  Call a cab, go get more bacon and fry it,
Chop it,  throw it in the bowl.

Now the fun part, and don't you even think about gloving up for this either.  Mash your unwashed hands into there and start mushing it around.  Mush it around real good. Let the raw meat become one with the undersides of your fingernails.

Take a handful of the delicious animal and put it on the counter then smoosh it down with your hand until its thin and flat.  Repeat this step til you have a buncha beef pancakes.
Get some thick cheese slices and stack it up in the middle of half the pancakes, take another slab of beef and cover the cheese.  Pinch the sides together and cheers these little beef n cheese pockets.

God damn cheese and meat pockets

Thats it! We are ready for the 'cue.  Get them shits on there at about 350-400 degrees and close the lid.  "For how long John do I cook these things??"  You fucking amateur.  For as long as the next step takes.

Cooking time step.
Now your gonna want to add a little gas to the fire so to speak, so were gonna need get some onions involved.  Chop up one of those tasty little pricks and get a bowl of egg, a bowl of flour with cajun seasoning ready. Use lots of cajun stuff.  Dip onion slices in the egg, then seasoned flour.  Then fucking repeat!
Hot pan, hot oil, and fire them in there.  Boom.  Onion things that are spicy.

During this step I hope you were smart enough to go flip the fucking burgs.  If not, well whatever.  Cut off the burnt stuff and give it to Jaycee.

God damn Onion things

Now the final step depends on how much you have had to drink.  If you are shit faced, eating is cheating.  Keep the beers flowing and hit the wood.  You can do this next part at 4 am and eat it in bed.

Take a bun, i don't care what type you buy.  Pick whats on special and eat them all asap cause the mold will be there soon.

Bun, mustard, lettuce, burger, onions, mustard.
If you change this at all, don't even feed it to the dog.  Straight to the trash.

Consume, drink, consume more.

Thats it.  You have now learned how to make a tasty ass burger, hopefully you're half cut and you embarassed a fellow food blogger at the same time!

Now, as I mentioned earlier... This was years ago and if my memory serves me correctly, there was some drama and contraversy with regards to the done-ness of the competitors burger that was cooked by the champ himself.  In my opinion the burger was medium rare.  Which was fitting for the type of chuck she prepared.  My thoughts on this is that there is no crying in cooking (unless onions are involved) Burning meat is a crime and those that feel the need to  do it should grab a leaf and get to herbivore'ing.

I would say stay tuned for the next recipe, but this fuckin thing took nearly half a decade, so don't hold you breath.  Shirtless out.

Looks like hell, tastes like fucking sweet grilled meat

RIP the Posh Nosh