Burger King VS Fried beef and crap on a bun girl

For eons the world has experienced its fair share of disasters and atrocities.
The Hindenburg.
The missed call in game 6 when Gretzky high sticked Gilmour.
The series finale to Seinfeld.

And once in a while, I like to shake things up with this shitty food blog.

After 5 years of you bastards hounding me, all 5 of you are now going to get what you want.  A 4 year old burger recipe that I haven't made since cause its a fuckload more work than just crushing 3 DBL Cheeseburgers DLABM in a parking lot.  Note; If you don't know DLABM, you don't know shit.

Now this one is gonna be tricky, due to the fact that I stared writing it 4 years ago and then gave up on it like I did with karate, guitar, swimming lessons, hygiene, grade 11 math, my job at panago x5, and a long list of other expensive equipment and hobbies my parents were so kind enough to pay for.

So without further delay, bon ape tit you hungry mammals!

As a born narcissist, theres 2 things I always know to be 100% true;
1. Im a 12/10, a fucking weapon
Second.  I can cook a better steamed ham better than anyone.  FACT.

However, every now and again some up and comer in the kitchen game decides they need a good old fashioned humbling at the hands of the bare chested beast, and part time chef.

About 7 months ago I received a challenge from some chick who calls herself "The Posh Nosh" online.  A google search revealed she enjoys constructing tasteless yet "pretty" food from whatever ingredients were in the 50% off bin at the local food mart. Being the incredible person that I am, I will never trash on someone for their efforts.  Just on everything else they do.  So sit back, grab yourself a rye and rye, and enjoy as I take you down this whimsical tale of the most delicious burger that was ever created by a drunk, grade 12 grad (finished in a quick 13 years)  wearing no shirt.

disclaimer: Due to the fact that this was so long ago, I am relying on pictures I took to tell you what ingredients and shit I put in. So if you try and make it, and it sucks.  Its your fault. Not mine.

Step one.  Crack the piggy bank and go get all this shit.

Ingredients;

Ground beef.  If you deviate from this and use turkey.  Or bison. Or a god damn portabella mushroom.  Beat it.  You already have fucked up.
Onion - Yellow
Jalapeno - Green
Bacon - Pig -Thick
More onion - Green
Hot dog buns - Wonder - White - Gluten filled (this is non negotiable)
Cayenne Peppaaaaaaah - Hot orange
Egg - From a Non grain fed chicken - Steroid fed -
Salts- Seasoning salt, pepper, salt, garlic salt, more regular salt, maybe a touch of bath salts if you really wanna kick this thing up
Cheese - Jalapeño Havarti
About a million fucking PBR and a jug of Jameson.
Theres other stuff  you will probably need but you can figure that out when you hit a wall of confusion and anger.


If your a return visitor to this trashy food novel, you know whats coming next.
Whiskey shot - beer chase.
Here we go.





The patty-

Hand washing wastes water

Start frying the thick bacon.  And make it crisp while you do this next stuff.  Carve off a pound of beef from the 6kg boulder in my last post and toss that slop in a big bowl. Follow it up with some diced jalapeño, its good to get it in there early so it can really seep into that cow and blow some gaskets later on. Green onions. Crack One Alex Rodriguez egg and sprinkle random spices, salts and whatever else i mentioned on top.

Beer break.

Next take a hot dog bun and put it in the baby bullet. This little beauty will turn it to crumbs that you are gonna dump that goodness into the bowl of other goodness. I don't really know what this step does, but I saw it on the TV once.

Back to the Pig! As you wait for just the right moment to remove the strips from the heat, I find this is a great moment to become one with the animal. Get yourself up close to the former Piglet,  Real close,  feel the hot grease pops as they splash your bare torso....  Its now time.
Remove each piece with your fingers and feel the burn.  Share the animals journey to your gut. Every step.
Crush a piece, let the dogs crush a couple.  Crush the rest.  Call a cab, go get more bacon and fry it,
Chop it,  throw it in the bowl.

Now the fun part, and don't you even think about gloving up for this either.  Mash your unwashed hands into there and start mushing it around.  Mush it around real good. Let the raw meat become one with the undersides of your fingernails.

Take a handful of the delicious animal and put it on the counter then smoosh it down with your hand until its thin and flat.  Repeat this step til you have a buncha beef pancakes.
Get some thick cheese slices and stack it up in the middle of half the pancakes, take another slab of beef and cover the cheese.  Pinch the sides together and cheers these little beef n cheese pockets.

God damn cheese and meat pockets

Thats it! We are ready for the 'cue.  Get them shits on there at about 350-400 degrees and close the lid.  "For how long John do I cook these things??"  You fucking amateur.  For as long as the next step takes.

Cooking time step.
Now your gonna want to add a little gas to the fire so to speak, so were gonna need get some onions involved.  Chop up one of those tasty little pricks and get a bowl of egg, a bowl of flour with cajun seasoning ready. Use lots of cajun stuff.  Dip onion slices in the egg, then seasoned flour.  Then fucking repeat!
Hot pan, hot oil, and fire them in there.  Boom.  Onion things that are spicy.

During this step I hope you were smart enough to go flip the fucking burgs.  If not, well whatever.  Cut off the burnt stuff and give it to Jaycee.

God damn Onion things

Now the final step depends on how much you have had to drink.  If you are shit faced, eating is cheating.  Keep the beers flowing and hit the wood.  You can do this next part at 4 am and eat it in bed.

Take a bun, i don't care what type you buy.  Pick whats on special and eat them all asap cause the mold will be there soon.

Bun, mustard, lettuce, burger, onions, mustard.
If you change this at all, don't even feed it to the dog.  Straight to the trash.

Consume, drink, consume more.

Thats it.  You have now learned how to make a tasty ass burger, hopefully you're half cut and you embarassed a fellow food blogger at the same time!

Now, as I mentioned earlier... This was years ago and if my memory serves me correctly, there was some drama and contraversy with regards to the done-ness of the competitors burger that was cooked by the champ himself.  In my opinion the burger was medium rare.  Which was fitting for the type of chuck she prepared.  My thoughts on this is that there is no crying in cooking (unless onions are involved) Burning meat is a crime and those that feel the need to  do it should grab a leaf and get to herbivore'ing.

I would say stay tuned for the next recipe, but this fuckin thing took nearly half a decade, so don't hold you breath.  Shirtless out.

Looks like hell, tastes like fucking sweet grilled meat

RIP the Posh Nosh

Got Beef? Part 1.

Here's cookin with you kid. -The Shirtless Chef

Do you suffer from idontwanttodothisshititus? Do you often buy 6 pounds of ground beef and then tell wife you are going to separate it into smaller individual packages? Do you then throw the whole heap of cow into the freezer and hit the links for a dozen drinks with the fellas? (note; you will take shit for this part....there is no getting around it.  swear you won't do it again and get some McDonalds)

Of course you have done this.  Everyone does it.  Problem is, there is going to come a time where you need to use that meat and now its a frozen brick.  Now unless your Prince Charles and have the ability to gnaw through steel with your jagged teeth, you're fucked.  There is no way to get what you need off of the block without thawing the whole thing.  Luckily I am here to save your lazy ass again.  

Please enjoy the journey I took last night, as I teach you a few ways you can tastefully rid your house of this 2.634 KG problem.  

My day started around 10 am.  I wanted fajitas, however was lacking the chicken.  As well as shells, veggies and spices.  Fucked.  Cue the beef, burrito time.  Out it came, and hit the counter with a loud thud.  At this point I got discouraged that I wouldnt be eating for quite sometime, so I left.  Eventually I got the energy to go to the store and load up on shit I needed.  Including hot dogs, that I promptly through into the microwave when I got home and mucked.  (see ghetto weenies blog for recipe) Hunger subsided.

Nap time.

Upon waking up my attention quickly was directed to the thawing ground cow on the counter.  I had somewhat lost interest in dealing with it and contemplated tossing the whole god damn thing in the trash.  But cooler heads prevailed and I was off to the races.  And by races I mean liquor store.  This was a lot of beef, and I was gonna need a lot of drinks.

Meal 1.  Lasagna. (lagsagna?, lazonya!!)

I fucking love this shit.  Only problem is, I have never made it.  How hard can it be though, throw some tomato sauce on some beef, add noodles and eat!!

Turns out there is a little more to it....But not much.  

What your gonna need; beef, noodles, bravo sauce (tomato sauce is for assholes that dont know the difference) dry cottage cheese and whatever crap you feel like throwing into it. Heres how you cook this shit.

Reach into the sink and start scraping off whatever beef has thawed and throw it into a pan.

Cook til brown and throw in anything you wanna add, I did peppers, mushrooms, onions. 

At this point you will realize that the pan is not even close to being big enough.  Move contents into a large pot.   start dumping random spices from the rack in.  I have no idea what I put in.  But there was lots of it.  

Add a customary dollop of rooster sauce.  

once this stuff has cooked a bit, dump bravo sauce and tomato paste in.  stir, simmer, drink.

cook the noodles til they are Al Pachino-Dante

Get your glass dish and start doing the best you can to remember how this shit gets layered.  Im not gonna tell you what I did, thats my secret.  However, once you get to the top you will reach a very important part of the preparation....  Calling your mom.  Because you dont know if you put noodles on the top and then cheese.  At this point you will realize you did it wrong, as well as the layering.  Fuck it, its in the dish.  Cheese it.  Cook it.  Drink.

35 mins at 350 degrees.  5 mins on broil.  melter, cheese style.  Looks not to bad.

Put any left over sauce filler into a container in the fridge and claim you made spaghetti sauce.  If you want my special recipe for spaghetti sauce, pull your head out of your ass and look up...

Drink. 

"The fall of the meatball"

So I have about 4.5 pounds left

I want sweedish meatballs!

Again, no fuckin clue how to make them.  And I dont know any sweedish people, so they can kiss my ass.  Kinloch balls. errrrrr Kinloch's meatballs.  

This is easy and quick.  Commence beef scrape.  I decided I wanted bacon mixed in, so I cooked bacon and mixed it in.  Wicked clever hey.  

SO! Big bowl, raw beef, bacon, shredded cheese, oil, pepper, worchestershire sauce, hot dog bun crumbs, (just rub a bun in your hand til it turns to bread dust) can be substituted with bread, but its not recommended. and finally ONION!!!! Now..... here is where your cooking ways may deviate from mine.  At this point I have had a few sodas, and Im an idiot.  So I played a solo game of onion.  This is where you wipe onion on your eyes. Try it.  Great time.

Next cram your hands in, mix the crap up and make little balls.  Feel free to add some famous daves bbq sauce to the mix. "famous dave's, where you dont have to be famous to suffer a coronary" Place the balls in a frying pan until they are half cooked, at this point you should realize that meatballs are just mini burgers in the shape of a ball, then further go on to realize that mini burgers would be great for the lake this weekend, make the executive decision and squish them down, flip them, season with fuddruckers seasoning, add a thick slice of mozza and your done.  

We are crusing right along!!! 

And the power is out.  

Drink.

DOUBLE RAINBOW!

Im tired of typing so what I did next will have to wait til later.   Don't worry.  It contains more fried beef!

Drink.

Hot wings, Burnt ass.

The Shirtless Chef is BACK!

And I have officially SOLD OUT! Thats right, I now have corporate sponsorship!!! Which means, less dirt-bagesque meals, more ingredients that you have never heard of, and most importantly.....booze!

So at this point in time I would like to give a shout out to my sponsor,  www.dreamhomejohn.com That's right you shit heads.  Im funding my own god damn meals now. No more left over pizzas and discarded dumpster dogs.  I will now be cookin like a champion!  Until the mortgage is due, then its back to Mr. Noodles, fried beef and onions.  

So here we go!

Tonight's menu; Hot wings, Burnt ass!

You know the drill, lose the shirt.  Set the oven to fire and lets do this.   

Approximate wing manufacturing time; 1 hour.

Step one.  

No brainer here.  Buy the fuckin ingredients.  Today your gonna need the following. 

*How much of each depends on you.  I don't use measurments.  So just buy lots.

Onion

Ketchup

Soya Sauce

Vinegar

Garlic

Sirachi sauce AKA Rooster sauce AKA Cock sauce

Pepper if you want

Any other crap you feel like throwing in cause it makes you feel like Emril Legassi...Do it.  BAM!

And a pack of chicken wings from Superstore.  

I dont know how many were in there, or what they weighed...But it filled a cooking sheet and a pizza sheet.  So use ingredients accordingly.  

PREP!

With my new found corporate cash, I was able to swing for name brand food stuff and a big ol bottle of Rye.  Booze is needed on this one to keep you occupied whilst the salmonella burns off the wings.  

Step one.  Lots o Rye...Little coke.

Step 2. Put the wings on the cooking sheets and put in before the oven has had a chance to fully heat itself up to 425F. Put 22 mins on the clock to allow for the oven to fully heat and first round of cooking to begin...then mix another drink.  

While they start to cook your gonna need a big knife and a pan big enough to hold lots of ketchup and cock sauce.  

Chop half a normal size onion up.  But into super tiny pieces.  Do the same with 2 things of garlic.  once they are good to go, mix a 3rd drink, feed the puppy dogs and then put the stuff in the pan with a shot of oil.  Vegetable or Olive.  Doesnt matter.  Im pretty sure there is no difference.  

Step G; Brown the onions and garlic.  Then squeeze in about 5 solid shots of ketchup.  Thats a full bottle squeeze.  Adjust to 7 squeezes if bottle makes fart sounds.  

Next do the same with the cock sauce.  But use like 4 squeezes.  Then give it a shot of vinegar and soya sauce.  

Stir the pan, then stir another drink.  At this point in time, you need two things... oven mitts and caution.  you are a few pops deep and your playin with hot things.  Chicks dig scars, but not puss filled burns.

Take the wings out of the oven after the timer goes and flip them over.  Its at this point in time you will curse a blue streak for not greasing or buttering the pan because the wings are sticking and you need to hacksaw them off with a spatula.  Its also at this point that if you didnt remove your shirt,  it will be ruined by spraying grease.  If you did and your cookin like a man!!! enjoy the burns.  once they are flipped.  Put the timer back to 20 mins and slide them in for round 2.  

Ok so now our sauce should be simmering on low, and time ticking off the clock.  For the next bit you are free to do what you want.  Myself, I took the tire off my bike and went to the gas station to fill it with air. It had a hole in the tube though....  Im getting it fixed tomorrow.  

DING! Time is up!

Step last; Becoming the sauce boss.

Scrape the wings off the sheets and into a big bowl.  Take this time to season them with pepper or whatever you want.  Before taking the sauce off the stove, man up, give 2 more solid shots of cock sauce into it, stir, then dump the sauce all over the wings.  Using a big spoon, mix it all up.  Stir them wings up real good til you get a solid coating all over the bastards.

I found that letting them sit and marinate a bit resulted in a more solid flavour.  So if you can, wait a bit. 

There is no presentation needed for these.  Just eat them out of the big bowl.

And that is it. Your half cut, have a big ol bowl of awesomeness, and on your way to a solid intake of fat, salt, and about 4000 calories and a bangin hangover!! So pick them beauties out of the bowl and curb stomp them down your throat hole.  

Party on wayne, and party on garth.

Hangover Pie

Late night? Feelin about 4%.  Gut growling, and you are only going to able to stand for 2 mins before the spins take over and you start praying to that white porcelain god. Well the Shirtless Chef has got your back once again.  This one takes prep, but its done the day before you go melt your face off.  

Prep; 10 mins

Get in your whip and punch it chewy to the nearest Little Ceasers.  

Throw $5.25 on the counter, tell'em you want a pepperoni hot and ready.

Tell'em Kinloch sent ya.  Then leave when they give you a confused look as to what the hell your talkin about. 

Eat a few slices on the way home.  Spill on your shirt, then just wear a hoody out later on instead of changing.  

Prep stage 2;

Curb stomp whiskey down your throat hole $183.25

Take the bus home $-? I dont know what it costs, last time I took one tanked I gave the guy 20 and told him to get me close to Willowgrove.

Land half on the bed, half off and only remove one shoe.  

Now that the easy part is out of the way, lets get that hurting gut filled up!

Drag your sorry ass out of bed, mumble to yourself as you question the one shoe.

Find pizza box on counter, opened and waiting.  Throw whats left into the microwave, this time there just happened to be a plate left in there.  I suggest, as usual....no plate.  Hit like 42 buttons til there is way to much time on there then start.  Impatiently wait 9 seconds, til there is no way that it is ready, and yank it out.  Drag yourself back to your bad and mash the pie into your face.  Wipe mouth on pillow case and go back to sleep.

Party on Wayne, and party on Garth.

Move over ladies!

With the influx of women blogging about intricate dishes filled with nutmeg. vegetables and 4 hrs of prep, I decided the fellas out there could use a little help. So here is my first food blog entry. Bon apple tit!

Ghetto Dogs; AKA Prison weenies

Ingredients;
White buns *note* Regular ass buns, nothin fancy...
Weenies *note* nothin special here, prefer schnieders
Mustard- yellow


Directions;

First things first. Ditch the shirt. Grease burns are cool when you get them and your just gonna spill the food on that shirt anyways.  Keeping it clean now helps it look acceptable to wear again tomorrow.
Now,
Throw however many weenies you want in the microwave.  I like 3-4 myself.
For best results and less clean up, don't put them on a plate.
Cook time approx; 1 min per 2 dogs. Add a little extra time if you like  the jerky style.
Adjust accordingly if you are using a ghetto microwave. Some of you may need 4-5 mins.
Remove from microwave with fingers and swear as you are burned by hot grease.
Add mustard
Consume.

For presentation factor set each dog on the counter. Any crumbs left behind be sure to sweep onto the floor for the dog to enjoy. Goes well with the remaining warm grape soda that is left in the 2 liter bottle on the counter.

And there you have it. A meal in under 5 mins with no clean up and zero nutritional value.

Check back in and see future crap that I consume on a daily basis, while somehow managing to maintain the figure of a gold medal olympic bowler.