Hot wings, Burnt ass.

The Shirtless Chef is BACK!

And I have officially SOLD OUT! Thats right, I now have corporate sponsorship!!! Which means, less dirt-bagesque meals, more ingredients that you have never heard of, and most importantly.....booze!

So at this point in time I would like to give a shout out to my sponsor,  www.dreamhomejohn.com That's right you shit heads.  Im funding my own god damn meals now. No more left over pizzas and discarded dumpster dogs.  I will now be cookin like a champion!  Until the mortgage is due, then its back to Mr. Noodles, fried beef and onions.  

So here we go!

Tonight's menu; Hot wings, Burnt ass!

You know the drill, lose the shirt.  Set the oven to fire and lets do this.   

Approximate wing manufacturing time; 1 hour.

Step one.  

No brainer here.  Buy the fuckin ingredients.  Today your gonna need the following. 

*How much of each depends on you.  I don't use measurments.  So just buy lots.

Onion

Ketchup

Soya Sauce

Vinegar

Garlic

Sirachi sauce AKA Rooster sauce AKA Cock sauce

Pepper if you want

Any other crap you feel like throwing in cause it makes you feel like Emril Legassi...Do it.  BAM!

And a pack of chicken wings from Superstore.  

I dont know how many were in there, or what they weighed...But it filled a cooking sheet and a pizza sheet.  So use ingredients accordingly.  

PREP!

With my new found corporate cash, I was able to swing for name brand food stuff and a big ol bottle of Rye.  Booze is needed on this one to keep you occupied whilst the salmonella burns off the wings.  

Step one.  Lots o Rye...Little coke.

Step 2. Put the wings on the cooking sheets and put in before the oven has had a chance to fully heat itself up to 425F. Put 22 mins on the clock to allow for the oven to fully heat and first round of cooking to begin...then mix another drink.  

While they start to cook your gonna need a big knife and a pan big enough to hold lots of ketchup and cock sauce.  

Chop half a normal size onion up.  But into super tiny pieces.  Do the same with 2 things of garlic.  once they are good to go, mix a 3rd drink, feed the puppy dogs and then put the stuff in the pan with a shot of oil.  Vegetable or Olive.  Doesnt matter.  Im pretty sure there is no difference.  

Step G; Brown the onions and garlic.  Then squeeze in about 5 solid shots of ketchup.  Thats a full bottle squeeze.  Adjust to 7 squeezes if bottle makes fart sounds.  

Next do the same with the cock sauce.  But use like 4 squeezes.  Then give it a shot of vinegar and soya sauce.  

Stir the pan, then stir another drink.  At this point in time, you need two things... oven mitts and caution.  you are a few pops deep and your playin with hot things.  Chicks dig scars, but not puss filled burns.

Take the wings out of the oven after the timer goes and flip them over.  Its at this point in time you will curse a blue streak for not greasing or buttering the pan because the wings are sticking and you need to hacksaw them off with a spatula.  Its also at this point that if you didnt remove your shirt,  it will be ruined by spraying grease.  If you did and your cookin like a man!!! enjoy the burns.  once they are flipped.  Put the timer back to 20 mins and slide them in for round 2.  

Ok so now our sauce should be simmering on low, and time ticking off the clock.  For the next bit you are free to do what you want.  Myself, I took the tire off my bike and went to the gas station to fill it with air. It had a hole in the tube though....  Im getting it fixed tomorrow.  

DING! Time is up!

Step last; Becoming the sauce boss.

Scrape the wings off the sheets and into a big bowl.  Take this time to season them with pepper or whatever you want.  Before taking the sauce off the stove, man up, give 2 more solid shots of cock sauce into it, stir, then dump the sauce all over the wings.  Using a big spoon, mix it all up.  Stir them wings up real good til you get a solid coating all over the bastards.

I found that letting them sit and marinate a bit resulted in a more solid flavour.  So if you can, wait a bit. 

There is no presentation needed for these.  Just eat them out of the big bowl.

And that is it. Your half cut, have a big ol bowl of awesomeness, and on your way to a solid intake of fat, salt, and about 4000 calories and a bangin hangover!! So pick them beauties out of the bowl and curb stomp them down your throat hole.  

Party on wayne, and party on garth.

Hangover Pie

Late night? Feelin about 4%.  Gut growling, and you are only going to able to stand for 2 mins before the spins take over and you start praying to that white porcelain god. Well the Shirtless Chef has got your back once again.  This one takes prep, but its done the day before you go melt your face off.  

Prep; 10 mins

Get in your whip and punch it chewy to the nearest Little Ceasers.  

Throw $5.25 on the counter, tell'em you want a pepperoni hot and ready.

Tell'em Kinloch sent ya.  Then leave when they give you a confused look as to what the hell your talkin about. 

Eat a few slices on the way home.  Spill on your shirt, then just wear a hoody out later on instead of changing.  

Prep stage 2;

Curb stomp whiskey down your throat hole $183.25

Take the bus home $-? I dont know what it costs, last time I took one tanked I gave the guy 20 and told him to get me close to Willowgrove.

Land half on the bed, half off and only remove one shoe.  

Now that the easy part is out of the way, lets get that hurting gut filled up!

Drag your sorry ass out of bed, mumble to yourself as you question the one shoe.

Find pizza box on counter, opened and waiting.  Throw whats left into the microwave, this time there just happened to be a plate left in there.  I suggest, as usual....no plate.  Hit like 42 buttons til there is way to much time on there then start.  Impatiently wait 9 seconds, til there is no way that it is ready, and yank it out.  Drag yourself back to your bad and mash the pie into your face.  Wipe mouth on pillow case and go back to sleep.

Party on Wayne, and party on Garth.

Move over ladies!

With the influx of women blogging about intricate dishes filled with nutmeg. vegetables and 4 hrs of prep, I decided the fellas out there could use a little help. So here is my first food blog entry. Bon apple tit!

Ghetto Dogs; AKA Prison weenies

Ingredients;
White buns *note* Regular ass buns, nothin fancy...
Weenies *note* nothin special here, prefer schnieders
Mustard- yellow


Directions;

First things first. Ditch the shirt. Grease burns are cool when you get them and your just gonna spill the food on that shirt anyways.  Keeping it clean now helps it look acceptable to wear again tomorrow.
Now,
Throw however many weenies you want in the microwave.  I like 3-4 myself.
For best results and less clean up, don't put them on a plate.
Cook time approx; 1 min per 2 dogs. Add a little extra time if you like  the jerky style.
Adjust accordingly if you are using a ghetto microwave. Some of you may need 4-5 mins.
Remove from microwave with fingers and swear as you are burned by hot grease.
Add mustard
Consume.

For presentation factor set each dog on the counter. Any crumbs left behind be sure to sweep onto the floor for the dog to enjoy. Goes well with the remaining warm grape soda that is left in the 2 liter bottle on the counter.

And there you have it. A meal in under 5 mins with no clean up and zero nutritional value.

Check back in and see future crap that I consume on a daily basis, while somehow managing to maintain the figure of a gold medal olympic bowler.