The Shirtless Chef: Got Beef? Part 1.

Here's cookin with you kid. -The Shirtless Chef

Do you suffer from idontwanttodothisshititus? Do you often buy 6 pounds of ground beef and then tell wife you are going to separate it into smaller individual packages? Do you then throw the whole heap of cow into the freezer and hit the links for a dozen drinks with the fellas? (note; you will take shit for this part....there is no getting around it. swear you won't do it again and get some McDonalds)

Of course you have done this. Everyone does it. Problem is, there is going to come a time where you need to use that meat and now its a frozen brick. Now unless your Prince Charles and have the ability to gnaw through steel with your jagged teeth, you're fucked. There is no way to get what you need off of the block without thawing the whole thing. Luckily I am here to save your lazy ass again.

Please enjoy the journey I took last night, as I teach you a few ways you can tastefully rid your house of this 2.634 KG problem.

My day started around 10 am. I wanted fajitas, however was lacking the chicken. As well as shells, veggies and spices. Fucked. Cue the beef, burrito time. Out it came, and hit the counter with a loud thud. At this point I got discouraged that I wouldnt be eating for quite sometime, so I left. Eventually I got the energy to go to the store and load up on shit I needed. Including hot dogs, that I promptly through into the microwave when I got home and mucked. (see ghetto weenies blog for recipe) Hunger subsided.

Nap time.

Upon waking up my attention quickly was directed to the thawing ground cow on the counter. I had somewhat lost interest in dealing with it and contemplated tossing the whole god damn thing in the trash. But cooler heads prevailed and I was off to the races. And by races I mean liquor store. This was a lot of beef, and I was gonna need a lot of drinks.

Meal 1. Lasagna. (lagsagna?, lazonya!!)

I fucking love this shit. Only problem is, I have never made it. How hard can it be though, throw some tomato sauce on some beef, add noodles and eat!!

Turns out there is a little more to it....But not much.

What your gonna need; beef, noodles, bravo sauce (tomato sauce is for assholes that dont know the difference) dry cottage cheese and whatever crap you feel like throwing into it. Heres how you cook this shit.

Reach into the sink and start scraping off whatever beef has thawed and throw it into a pan.

Cook til brown and throw in anything you wanna add, I did peppers, mushrooms, onions.

At this point you will realize that the pan is not even close to being big enough. Move contents into a large pot. start dumping random spices from the rack in. I have no idea what I put in. But there was lots of it.

Add a customary dollop of rooster sauce.

once this stuff has cooked a bit, dump bravo sauce and tomato paste in. stir, simmer, drink.

cook the noodles til they are Al Pachino-Dante

Get your glass dish and start doing the best you can to remember how this shit gets layered. Im not gonna tell you what I did, thats my secret. However, once you get to the top you will reach a very important part of the preparation.... Calling your mom. Because you dont know if you put noodles on the top and then cheese. At this point you will realize you did it wrong, as well as the layering. Fuck it, its in the dish. Cheese it. Cook it. Drink.

35 mins at 350 degrees. 5 mins on broil. melter, cheese style. Looks not to bad.

Put any left over sauce filler into a container in the fridge and claim you made spaghetti sauce. If you want my special recipe for spaghetti sauce, pull your head out of your ass and look up...

Drink.

"The fall of the meatball"

So I have about 4.5 pounds left

I want sweedish meatballs!

Again, no fuckin clue how to make them. And I dont know any sweedish people, so they can kiss my ass. Kinloch balls. errrrrr Kinloch's meatballs.

This is easy and quick. Commence beef scrape. I decided I wanted bacon mixed in, so I cooked bacon and mixed it in. Wicked clever hey.

SO! Big bowl, raw beef, bacon, shredded cheese, oil, pepper, worchestershire sauce, hot dog bun crumbs, (just rub a bun in your hand til it turns to bread dust) can be substituted with bread, but its not recommended. and finally ONION!!!! Now..... here is where your cooking ways may deviate from mine. At this point I have had a few sodas, and Im an idiot. So I played a solo game of onion. This is where you wipe onion on your eyes. Try it. Great time.

Next cram your hands in, mix the crap up and make little balls. Feel free to add some famous daves bbq sauce to the mix. "famous dave's, where you dont have to be famous to suffer a coronary" Place the balls in a frying pan until they are half cooked, at this point you should realize that meatballs are just mini burgers in the shape of a ball, then further go on to realize that mini burgers would be great for the lake this weekend, make the executive decision and squish them down, flip them, season with fuddruckers seasoning, add a thick slice of mozza and your done.